Envy not he or she whose job it is to manage the online branding efforts of a condom producer.

Condoms are the sex equivalent of seatbelts -- there for our protection. But when was the last time anyone saw the heartthrob daredevil buckle up before hot-rodding? It was probably the last time they saw the tussled-hair blonde bombshell stop moaning and ask Joe Hollywood if he had protection. And when condoms do make an appearance in pop-culture, it is usually at the expense of a joke about awkwardness, which only really acerbates the problem.

In terms of brand building against the odds, all three of these sites get under the shirt but above the bra. That is to say, they achieve minor victories but overall defeat. Durex and Trojan have the most in common, both opening to clean, trademark-color-oriented sites. They are professional but mostly tame, with only a hint of shallow humor or sexual pandering. Both have the requisite Learning and Information Center links, which perhaps legitimize them as “caring” or something. Here there is an attempt made to provide users with all the information necessary to self-diagnose -- a feature that I imagine many doctors would just as soon not have exist as there is no “Get Your Medical Degree In Two Easy Clicks” link anywhere on either site.

It has been proven that interactive entertainment is a surefire way to keep visitors on a site and both Durex and Trojan provide identically titled Fun & Games sections featuring Trojan Ball Buster and Durex Egg Invaders. These are noble efforts with lackluster results more or less highlighting how out of touch the brand owners are. Trojan features a sport called Match Game, which challenges users to “match all of the condoms to uncover something revealing!” The “revealing” “something” begs the obvious question: If one has access to the Internet and is already past the embarrassment of visiting a condom site why would one settle for messing about to see a woman’s brassiered torso when one could easily see everything? Worse yet is when the copyediting has no thematic chemistry with the objective of the game. For example, the naughty-sounding Durex game “Catch the Sperm” is accompanied by the following flaccid text: “The game challenges you to stop STI's and sperm in an attractive Durex wonderland. Fantastic game play, fun sound effects and a global high score page make it exciting, involving and competitive. Get on that scoreboard now!” Um, sorry Durex, but I suddenly have a headache.

Then there is that pestilence of the corporate website, the e-card, surreptitiously identified as Trojan Notes on the Trojan site. Useless and obtuse, e-cards are a utility that I have never personally seen nor heard of being used once. Ever.

Lifestyles.com shares little in common with the other two. Whereas Durex and Trojan have the feel of a clinic, the raunchy red and black Lifestyles has the feel of a dance club, albeit one that reached the height of its popularity two years ago and now services the MTV not-yet-of-legal-age crowd. This point is highlighted by the illustrations of half-clad cartoons of men and women, which, I believe, are from the prison airbrushing school of fine art.

The site features the requisite health tips, though instead of its own take, Lifestyles wisely provides a host of links to better-equipped sites such as Planned Parenthood and the World Health Organization. Maybe the best thing about the Lifestyles site is that it is smart enough to know better than to try entertaining us. Unlike with Durex and Trojan, there are no games here for surfers to ignore, only some contests and information touting Lifestyles condoms. Lifestyles does under-perform though in its offering of Today’s Sexy Tip which is not “sexy” and not much of a “tip” and not even “today’s” -- over a week-long period it never changed once.