Brands, Ask Not What the Chilean Miners Can Do For You...

This week's dramatic rescue of the 33 Chilean miners is the feel-good mine disaster story of the year. Everyone wants a piece of it, from the miners themselves, who are in some kind of collective agreement, to USA patriots who called the disaster an example of "American greatness."

Brands were also all too eager to let some of those positive miner vibes rub off. Oakley sunglasses received enormous exposure during the rescue, which was engineered with a Panansonic Toughbook. One media outlet estimated Oakley's exposure was worth $41 million.

The post-rescue brandstravaganza has begun. Apple CEO Steve Jobs is sending los 33 a shipment of free iPods. (That the device depends on the copper the miners became trapped trying to extract was lost on nobody everybody.) The group's Elvis aficionado is getting a VIP trip to Graceland. Other brand-donated freebies include soccer shirts, free sushi and "Japanese space underwear."

Sure, all the major media brands got theirs in terms of ratings; but how many other consumer product brands missed out on an incredible exposure opportunity? Indeed, Sony right now may be trying to figure out a way to trap a bunch of Indonesians in a mine somewhere for the opportunity to present all of them with Walkmen.

As you don your celebratory t-shirt, you might also ponder some other brands that would have fit perfectly into the miners' tale:

Yoplait: Nothing drops your vitamin D levels like being locked away from the sun. Yoplait yogurt is chute-friendly, has loads of added D (and it tastes delicious).

Biggest Loser Body Band: Spending months thousands of feet underground doesn't mean you have to lose any fitness or flexibility. Not only will The Biggest Loser Body Bands fit down the tiny support tube keeping you alive, it will keep you in shape for when you're rescued and have to go back to work in the mine.

Miners are men's men. But even the man's man who wants to smell like a man doesn't want to smell like a man who's been in a tiny dark hole for two months with a bunch of other men's men. That's why there is Old Spice body wash. Smell like the campaign that was still the hottest thing on the planet when the shaft collapsed on you. Ray Who, you ask? Look, you're in the Fénix 2!